Better late than never

Right, I should probably make a start on apologising for the long interlude between posts, I feel I have a pretty good excuse, if you can call it that.
I was going to leave blogging for good, but then I felt like when I actually do get around to blogging I feel a lot better for it, having all your thoughts out in front of you in a logical or illogical order makes things a little easier. SO whist reading my friends blog, I decided that it was about time to open up, this might end up being one of the illogical posts to bear with me please.
This week after trying numerous different things over the last couple of years I ended up being prescribed sertaline which is an antidepressant and diazepam to get my body used to the sertaline and calm me down a little over the next week or so, I know there are so many people in the world who are depressed/on antidepressants or know someone who is, and that this isn't really a big deal, but to me this is.
I now feel like I'm going somewhere and I'm not stuck. a feeling that's been building up for a number of years, I'm achieved quite a few things in my life, I travelled Europe, I got into University, I have amazing friends and family, but I've always felt like there was something holding me back, mostly insecurities, it be about my hip problem, looks, personality, abilities, whatever, there was always something. some more so than others,
But it wasn't until I came to Uni that it made me realise this irrational behaviour affects other people, I can go from being the happiest person in the world, and the life and soul of our flat, to stuck in my room not wanting to see anyone or do anything, there are quite a few days where i can't get out of bed, or concentrate i'll snap at people or just be really tearful, obviously you can see how this effects my Uni work and flatmates, but my tutor was really good about it and pointed me in the direction of the campus councillor, who was nice, but if i'm honest a little useless. so that stopped.
I think the worst part is not feeling you can tell your closest friends, I recently chatted to my best friend from home on the phone and despite being on the phone for an hour... nothing.
Even when one of my friends back home felt similar things and we were worried for her, should I have piped up then? Should I have told her I was feeling the same? I don't know. It's been so long now I think i'd got so used to people expecting a certain persona of me, and not bothering to let them know what was really bothering me.
I realise this has gone on for agessss, so i'm really sorry. I'll blog again soon, when i've made sense of things. but for now..
Ciao
xxx

Slut pants, Britney, VAJAJA,slags, crunchy crisp eating

Vday! That's not short for vaj day.
God could you imagine?
Well it kinda is, I was meaning to make this post a few weeks ago, as you can imagine, but have you noticed on valentines day, men are encouraged to buy chocolates and flowers. women... underwear. like "HAPPY VDAY! want some vajaja?"
so recap. men want sex, and women are money grabbing fatties.
right enough of this filth.
God this is what a 6 hour megabus journey and 3 hours sleep has done to me!
I had to be up at half 4am! who needs to be up at that time? i didn't know that time even existed!
But apparently it does, and my logic was at half 5 sitting on a half empty bus, was "if i've got to be up at this ridiculous time, you guys will have to put with my excessive coughing and crunchy crisp eating" misery loves company after all.
So well, i should probably recap the last few weeks, had valentines day, was nice, relaxed.it happened to be our housemates birthday that day, so we all went out for a group meal, (takes the pressure off the not quite married/ 2 kids at 20 people of the world)
Got surprised with some flowers and chocolates (see SEE what i mean! and no i did not buy underwear! my gift was not vajaja for vday!... he got gig tickets, i'm a normal person.)
GOD IT IS SO HOT ON THIS BUS.
anyway.
Then there was the birthday, so in the last few posts have been leading up to the Britney party. well my outfit came. it was hideous. so on the day of the party had to find another outfit, but after the panic it all went well, here's a pic, (Britney and Dolly Parton)

I got far too drunk, luckily had a few friends to make sure i didn't end up.. I dunno in a gutter or something. TALKING OF SLAGS. has anyone seen eastenders? wtf? i want to slap the writers. making an abused child become a prostitute. well done. not cool guys.... okay, back to slightly less uncool things.
i've just realised i've got an essay to do, and i'm sitting here writing about the Britney party, and eastenders.
oh dear.
But yeah, so had Laura down on the weekend, that was nice, :) I think it ended up being a slight glipse of what our holiday will be like in the summer. but probably more extreme. it's a hideous thought really.
I think i might head off now, i need to get into this again, and i'll have a better one soon, been to Corn-bizzle and attempting to sort my life out at the moment, so bear with me.
much love
Ciao
xxx

CIAO DOWN TO COW TOWN.

'Ite pard?
How are you all?
Good i hope
right so introductions over.
I feel i've left it too long again for a blog, i started off so well, now look at me, i'm like one of those gypsy women who have kids/animals/vegetables/anything
and forget about them within a week.
I'm currently on a train back from Corn-bizzle after a stop shop visit to get doctors and other cool stuff done,
But did enjoy seeing my friend whilst back and had a good ol' giggle, only two weeks till i see her again for the Britney party, (yes it's still happening)
but didn't get a chance to see my other friend as she's not feeling too well atm. which is a shame, as i miss her! (i'm being sneaky, as i know she'll read this, ;)) (second bracket says; I love you shanny fanny ;)) god. i'm like a creepy internet stalker.
right so a few things i've realised since being back is that
1) the further down the country you go, the more the buses smell of pee,
2)I miss homes under the hammer, and Escape to the country. I realise how lame that sounds but I genuinely enjoy the first (didn't the presenter die though? i don't know, someone help me out here), and the latter  for Alistair Appleton I think he's gay though, which is a shame, because i'd blates be in there otherwise, with my charm and good looks. PAH
let's not go there.(if anyone's reading this, if you want to get me a wicked b'day prezzie, a boxset of either will go down well)
3) it takes 4 hours exactly to get home, and apparently it takes 5 hours going back. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? are the trains tired? do they need a lucazade?
maybe because it's uphill. from Cornwall to Bath, that works... maybe that's it.
4) everyone i know is pregnant or engaged, why? i'm not even 20 yet, and am already being asked when i'm thinking about getting hitched! i don't like babies. or weddings. leave me alone. I'm happy being Bridget Jones thank you very much.
This is going to be a short one, i'm easing myself in, like anal sex.
Not that i'd know, but my friend would, she text me saying so.
cool kid.

Ciao
XX

ZUMBA, HITLER LADIES, NEW BF, AND THE DEATH OF MY OWN BODY.

Hello my faithful, and very patient followers!
sorry it's been a little while since my last blog, i've been a bit distracted.
oh. and I've met someone....
:)
ugh. that's lame.
at least it's not :D:D:D:D:D:D LUFFIN MA BBZ BOI 4 LYF.
I think i'd kill myself if that was the case. Saying that, if i spoke like that, life would be wasted on me anyway.
okay, so a few things have changed since my last blog, after a long and actually quite deep conversation with my mother, (Which is rare in itself) it's come to our attention, that i actually dislike the concept of uni, and the fiancial circumstances aren't worth the money i'm spending on it, and so i'm following my dream and am in the middle of applying for jobs on cruise ships and ferries. i travelled last summer, and i like being away, i like the living out of a suitcase life. i like being on my own. doing my own thing
Mum has of course been adding her hippy view on it, and has been encouraging me to do it. which is good. :) but i'm still considering other things like air hostesses, after checking the requirements, you no longer need to be a giraffe lady. which is good news for me. and am seriously considering it. it's difficult to get into, but i think i'd love it, i'd definitely prefer it to anything else.or an au pair, my language skills are okay,
but it's annoying finally feeling slightly settled here friend wise, and then i decide to leave.
Never minddd :)
I've been wanting to write here for ages, it's been what? two weeks? that's terrible.
But i just haven't felt up to writing here. nothing i'm really doing is worth talking about. I swear lately my body and mind have been dying on me slowly, and i've spent most of the last two weeks in bed in agony, which of course doesn't put you in the best of moods which results is an endless circle. i tried to get my body to work and go to a zumba class. YES ZUMBA. what is this you ask? well mes petits amis.. it is a latino esque dance, with a little belly dancing, african dancing, and a lot of shaking what your mumma gave  ya ;)... to ricky martin.
we made complete fools out of ourselves, and was nice to spend girly time laughing, which i swear i don't do a lot of here. then we went to aqua aerobics the next day with the hilter reincarnation in a old ladys body, and on thursday i was definitely feeling the "burn" aka "the death of laura-janes body."
I should probably at least give the new man a mention...he's a musican, i can't resist, he sounds like john mayer. but better. let's just say.
start of relationship = good food, good music, good sex.
sorted.
lets move on.
or stop.
OH MY GOD. time travellers wife.
I've been reading it religiously whilst in bed, and i love it.
i love it more than i've loved anything.
So i'm going back to that now.
slaters.
or Ciao.
xxxxx

Love and other drugs.

I've just got back from the film, which i'm having mixed feelings about.
If you don't know the sum up is a love story between a guy selling pharmaceuticals and a girl with parkinsons.
now i know i don't have parkinsons,
and guys like Jake G's character don't exist.
But it made me think.
in 10 years, I'll be in a wheelchair, maybe with a fake hip. twisted spine, and arthritis. I'm not self pitying. and i don't want to you to pity me either. i hate pity. but i couldn't help watching it, and whilst Anne Hathaway is arguing the point of who could ever love some who can't look after herself, and why wouldn't he want someone more limber, sexy and overall more healthy, i couldn't help but feel a lump in my throat. soppy love stories come and go, and i never watch a film and feel oh yeah that could happen to me.
but this one i did. I'm never going to find a character like that. and i'm so stubborn i probably wouldn't want to. but i watched that one scene and remembered being in the exact same position and saying identical words to my ex a year ago after my last op. when you can't get yourself dressed? make food for yourself? being able to walk back from the shops without being in pain. the latter i still do now. But he did it, but it was because he felt like he had to. that wasn't the case in the film. and i don't think that ever is.
I'm sorry guys. this is depressing. and i'll probably delete it after a few days, but i need to man up. but before that i need to get it out. so here it is.
ciao.

Britney Party, Holidays, Volunteering, Jobs, Heck a little bit of everything!

Today i'm feeling in a pretty amazing and productive mood! :) I haven't been distracted by the wrong people, and have been chatting to the right people :) Right, so in my last blog i mentioned my 20th, and as it's pretty friggin amazing i'm going to tell you all about it!
Britney Spears.
Yes. a Britney themed party.
It's been much talked about in the flat, and with home friends who will hopefully be doing the trek from corn-bizzle to the Tub for it. :)
costumes are a big part obvs.
We all love a good excuse for dressing up!
As the (joint...best) birthday girl. I need a pretty awesome outfit! (...Need to look better than everyone else!)
but, unfortunately this means baring a LOT of flesh. or some pretty skintight outfit, and i don't think anyone wants to see me pre-gymed and dieted in a skintight outfit! haha
The guys are being pretty creative, we'll most likely have a bald Britney, Chris Crocker, JT and a K Fed. my best guy mate is going as a air hostess. he's never been too scared to making a fool out of himself luckily! also got a friend coming down from Bournemouth/Poole area for it, so we need to make it amazing! luckily our flat has a lot of parties anyway, so we should have some disco lights, speakers etc for the house party, and probably some all american snacks... mini hamburgers?! yes! thank god for iceland! ahaha
Then probably the visiting the nightlife of Bath. I actually can't wait!
Holidays! we've all put down the money for the holiday now, leaving early June, for a week in Magaluf, (i can't remember if i've mentioned that all yet?! anywayyy)
Yaaaah, so that's all done! and now need to think about what i want to do with the rest of my summer.
I was thinking about just going back down to Cornwall and getting a job, then i could see my friends for a good few months.But i think i might just do a month or two away volunteer, (yes i CAN be a good person!.. if i want to be) VSO have some amazing options, or realgap, but they tend to be pretty expensive, i could kill two birds with one stone.. (how could you do that btw? is that like killing one, the picking up the stone and hitting another one? because that wouldn't work, well i mean it would, but it's not what the metaphor implies is it?) and just work abroad,
But my languages are pretty lacking! i mean, i can speak other laguages, but under pressure i forget simple things, luckily on my Europe trip last year, my ex could at least get us around! and we picked up quite a lot along the way. i've got my journal from my trip around here somewhere, i may find it and  write a few captions, we did have a fantastic time, and some pretty crazy things happened! thunderstorms, the illegal weed drinks and the drug dogs on the trains going through the border. the poker games with polish people, and the French sluts.the peados soaking children and laughing in the amusement parks, langos, proper kebabs, the hairy Chinese girl! stalker Julian!
...Oh god, i've found my diary! ahaha reading through it, and having a proper giggle, might need a recite a few lines to Jake and see if her remembers. HAHA the fat Italian stallion jumping around in his boxers and socks at stupid o'clock. i think i should stop, you people have no idea what i'm talking about! and you probably don't care. Think i might, now leave you now, i was going to do some lovely paint-o-shops, but i'm too engrossed in my Europe trip diary!
Ciao
xxx

12th jan

So, the past few days, I've written a few posts, and then eventually deleted them.
I had a pretty agro one. aimed at one person, then realised that doing this was not only petty, but just stupid. it ended in an argument. and i really don't like arguments. i always back down, and never actually say what i feel, and if i do, i'm normally work myself up so much i'm in tears and it doesn't really get your point across very well.
Then when all was sorted and hunky dory.(did i really just say that?) I posted a nice loving one. (ugh) I don't normally like those secretive statuses etc but i felt the need to, i dont know why.
Then after a bit of snooping, i've decided to delete that one too.
It's not that i don't feel it anymore. hell i really do. i really like the guy. (that's part of the problem)  and it's not that i feel stupid for putting up such a sickly post, i have no shame, so stuff like that doesn't bother me.it's just i don't know where i stand. i think there is an ex.. or maybe a current...girlfriend? i dont know. facebook snooping has been limited by private accounts, and secretive guys. i know i shouldn't but  you can't get anything from this guy. maybe this is all for the best, it'll make it easier when he leaves. (he is leaving, i'm not just being pessimistic) my resolution was to stay away from boys. so that's probably what i should do. and anyway, i'm being distracted so i can't complain!... tic tac toe at 2 in the morning will suffice haha. :)
that's enough ramble for today about that.
Had my first day back at Uni today, missed by first lesson, and then got to eat sweets in my second.
not too shabby.
I want to do a funny post soon, but for the minute i'm feeling really bleugh. and it's showing, sorry bloggerss.
when i have energy, and happy things, i will write about them. i'll go into depth about my Britney Spears party we're planning and  things like that.
but for now, it's nearly 2am and time travellers wife is calling me.

Ciao
xxx