Right, I should probably make a start on apologising for the long interlude between posts, I feel I have a pretty good excuse, if you can call it that.
I was going to leave blogging for good, but then I felt like when I actually do get around to blogging I feel a lot better for it, having all your thoughts out in front of you in a logical or illogical order makes things a little easier. SO whist reading my friends blog, I decided that it was about time to open up, this might end up being one of the illogical posts to bear with me please.
This week after trying numerous different things over the last couple of years I ended up being prescribed sertaline which is an antidepressant and diazepam to get my body used to the sertaline and calm me down a little over the next week or so, I know there are so many people in the world who are depressed/on antidepressants or know someone who is, and that this isn't really a big deal, but to me this is.
I now feel like I'm going somewhere and I'm not stuck. a feeling that's been building up for a number of years, I'm achieved quite a few things in my life, I travelled Europe, I got into University, I have amazing friends and family, but I've always felt like there was something holding me back, mostly insecurities, it be about my hip problem, looks, personality, abilities, whatever, there was always something. some more so than others,
But it wasn't until I came to Uni that it made me realise this irrational behaviour affects other people, I can go from being the happiest person in the world, and the life and soul of our flat, to stuck in my room not wanting to see anyone or do anything, there are quite a few days where i can't get out of bed, or concentrate i'll snap at people or just be really tearful, obviously you can see how this effects my Uni work and flatmates, but my tutor was really good about it and pointed me in the direction of the campus councillor, who was nice, but if i'm honest a little useless. so that stopped.
I think the worst part is not feeling you can tell your closest friends, I recently chatted to my best friend from home on the phone and despite being on the phone for an hour... nothing.
Even when one of my friends back home felt similar things and we were worried for her, should I have piped up then? Should I have told her I was feeling the same? I don't know. It's been so long now I think i'd got so used to people expecting a certain persona of me, and not bothering to let them know what was really bothering me.
I realise this has gone on for agessss, so i'm really sorry. I'll blog again soon, when i've made sense of things. but for now..
Ciao
xxx
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